350 insensitive ways to lead a completely self-centered life.
1. Never tip more than a quarter 2. Keep the chain letters going 3. Post-date all your checks 4. Hum along at the concert 5. Take the hotel towel 6. Signal left; turn right 7. Help fools part with their money 8. Don't keep secrets 9. Pass the vicious rumors along. 10. Exaggerate on your resume. 11. Let everyone know how hard you work. 12. Practice the art of limp handshakes. 13. Hire a devious accountant; it's like giving yourself a raise 14. let your nose hair grow out. 15. Read other people's mail 16. Pay tolls with $50 bills 17. If the mistake is in your favor, don't correct it. 18. Butter up the boss. 19. Don't tear the edges off computer paper. 20. Park in front of driveways and hydrants 21. Tell the ending of movies 22. Remind friends of stupid things they did ten years ago. 23. Stand up your date 24. Give little kids clothes for their birthdays 25. Fire people by phone 26. Sniffle a lot 27. Never make your bed 28. Cut people off in the middle of their sentences 29. Slouch 30. Wear jeans to weddings 31. Leave the toilet seat up 32. Add insult to injury. 33. Drive 55 MPH in the passing lane 34. Park in the handicapped space. 35. Take more than 10 items to the express line. 36. Fumble for change when boarding buses 37. Borrow a book and dog-ear the pages 38. Turn on your brights for oncoming traffic 39. Finish other people's crossword puzzles. 40. Ask people what they paid for their clothes 41. Rake the leaves into your neighbors yard 42. Misfile everything, especially contracts. 43. Don't sign your checks 44. Mumble 45. Whisper behind their backs. 46. Take personal calls during important meetings. 47. Take your boom box to the beach 48. Swear this time you mean it - really. 49. Don't return Phone calls 50. Use the last square of toilet paper 51. Ask people how much they make 52. Don't flush 53. Leave people in limbo with call waiting 54. Leave a wet lollipop on a new sofa. 55. Tailgate the elderly 56. Tell your kids to try even harder 57. Tear articles from magazines in the doctors waiting room 58. Get into every photograph you can. 59. Let the Phone keep on ringing 60. Don't dot your i's or cross your t's. 61. Carve your name in picnic tables 62. Leave your thumbprints on photographs. 63. Hold off paying the people who bill you without charging interest. 64. Send anonymous letters. 65. Drink from other peoples glasses. 66. Develop a truly tasteless foul mouth 67. Drum your fingers during other peoples presentations. 68. Leave the concert during the solo or before the clapping starts. 69. Leave the price tags on presents. 70. Talk to strangers as if you know them from somewhere. 71. Blow out other people's birthday candles. 72. Don't refill the ice cue tray. 73. Leave dairy products open in the refrigerator 74. Don't leave a message at the beep. 75. Bitch, bitch, bitch. 76. Sleep until noon every day 77. Smoke in bed. 78. Pinch kids' cheeks. 79. Tell long, boring stories. 80. Be late for your anniversary. 81. Always be right. 82. Lean on the doorbell 83. If there is going to be a fight, make sure you start it. 84. Don't take "no" for an answer. 85. Ignore "No Smoking" Signs 86. Bark orders 87. Put coal in Christmas stockings 88. Sneer at people who try hard. 89. Assume everyone agrees with you, but keep trying to convince them. 90. Brag... a lot 91. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot. 92. Pledge money that you won't e sending 93. Suspect a plot. 94. Don't vote 95. Brush the dandruff off other people's shoulders. 96. Use gift wrapping paper a second time. 97. Crack your knuckles. 98. Follow the letter of the law, not the spirit. 99. Reserve compliments for people who can do you some good. 100. Treat underlings as such. 101. Argue with everybody. 102. Touch the paintings at the museum. 103. Get hysterical. 104. Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways. 105. Accuse people of things they didn't do 106. Threaten lawsuits. 107. Pass the buck. 108. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it 109. Flaunt it 110. Toss pants with tissues in the pockets into the washing machine. 111. Ask your parents and grandparents how much they plan to leave you. 112. Remember that your teenager is under 12 when buying tickets and paying fares. 113. Take more then 1 newspaper when buying out of newspaper stands 114. Don't sign your greeting cards. 115. Record over a borrowed VCR tape. 116. Tell people they are in your will even if they aren't. 117. Make fun of all accents. 118. Don't get caught 119. Ask for a rush job except when there is a charge, 120. Stay directly in front of or behind fire trucks and ambulances 121. lean way back in delicate old chairs. 122. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two. 123. Dream up special requests for waiters and waitresses. 124. Put pennies in the collection plate. 125. Pry. 126. Don't make up your mind. 127. Get light bulbs from the hall when you need them in the apartment. 128. Heads you win, tails you win. 129. Try whining. 130. Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air. 131. Remind people who lose their job that they probably should have worked harder. 132. Call your spouse by the name of an old flame. 133. Drink orange juice right out of the carton. 134. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April. 135. Dance Fast to slow music and Vice versa. 136. Comment on wait gain in others. 137. Ask her if the diamond ring is real. 138. Keep a store of wisecracks for tense and serious occasions. 139. Have bones to pick. 140. Try the expert trail the day you first put on skis. 141. Scratch your pits whenever you want to. 142. Fish for compliments. 143. Answer a question with a question. 144. See what it takes to get the lifeguard to blow the whistle. 145. Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures. 146. Don't give to charities unless you get something back. 147. Cut corners. 148. Have your secretary do all of your personal shopping. 149. Ask the stewardess a question every five minutes or so. 150. Buy more plastic. 151. Add the straw that breaks the camel's back 152. Clean your fingernails at the dinner table. 153. Take but don't give phone messages. 154. Stopping for red lights after midnight is a waste of precious time 155. Push your luck. 156. Tell people what you think they want to hear 157. Notice good ideas and pass them off as your own. 158. Believe that numbers and stars influence the way your life works. 159. Put the gals in the office in charge of the coffee. 160. Make Jokes about terrorists at the boarding gate. 161. See if you can be the first one off the plane even if you are sitting by the window. 162. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations. 163. Balance the checkbook every 6 months or so. 164. Have an alias and the IDs to prove it. 165. If you can do the time, do the crime. 166. Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one. 167. Eat like a horse and make a pig of yourself. 168. Leave the lights on. 169. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons. 170. Don't do anything until you have been asked twice. 171. Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow. 172. Say "like" at the end of sentences, like. 173. Spot test "Wet Paint" signs. 174. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines. 175. Go up the down escalator. 176. Change channels without asking. 177. Underline in other people's books 178. Answer the phone with "What do you want?" 179.. Call the wife "The little woman" 180. Procrastinate and someone else will surely do it. 181. Swear 'til you're blue in the face. 182. Lie about your age. 183. Tell people what you expect them to give you for your birthday. 184. If you can't think of something nice, say something nasty. 185. Send mail "Postage Due." 186. Be judgmental 187. Try looking down your nose at newcomers. 188. Focus on winning and to Hell with how you play the game. 189. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top and while you're at it, leave the cap off. 190. Free cable TV is only a shady electrician away. 191. Send smutty birthday cards to your in-laws. 192. Open umbrellas in crowded hallways. 193. Be generous with backhanded compliments. 194. Read over people's shoulders on the bus. 195. Hold out until the other guy gives in. 196. Ignore deadlines. 197. Don't stand during anthems. 198. Borrow money from your mother-in-law 199. Assume that "reserved parking" means you. 200. Take the labels off unopened cans. 201. Assume the authority but not the responsibility. 202. leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads. 203. Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame. 204. Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose. 205. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find one you want. 206. Curse the umpire at little league games. 207. When you're done with your gum, stick it under the chair. 208. If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it. 209. Bribe kids; they are easy. 210. Make sure you get the point across very clearly that you think you are better then everyone else. 211. Crash private meetings with a big smile on your face. 212. Read the paper during family meals. 213. Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything. 214. Put a too cute message on your answering machine. 215. Be ambiguous; it lets you work both sides of the issue. 216. Measure people by the money they have and the clothes they wear. 217. leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower. 218. Dish it out, but don't take it, 219. Chew other people's pencils. 220. Support the death penalty for parking violations. 221. Stiff somebody today, but only if it's undeserved. 222. Apologize but don't ever change. 223. Change the rules to suit your needs, 224. Lie to your therapist and sit in her chair. 225. Ask how people are, but don't wait for a response. 226. Make your kids stand at attention every morning, 227. Wear T shirts with gross messages 228. leave your shopping cart on line at the checkout - then go shopping. 229. Pull the covers over to your side. 230. Leave wet towels on the bedspread. 231. let doors slam behind you - in people's faces. 232. Clip Your nails in bed. 233. Repeat yourself. 234. Repeat yourself. 235. Hang up in the middle of a conversation for no reason 236. Don't know when to stop. 237. Tell teenagers how things were in your day. 238. Play office politics. 239. Don't tell the committee that you canceled the meeting. 240. Put things back where they don't belong. 241.. Never get mad. 242. Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation. 243. Scrawl your signature on important documents. 244. Fart in cramped public spaces 245. Hand out your business cards at funerals. 246. Have belching contests in restaurants. 247. Shake up the club soda before opening it. 248. let your blind date know she isn't up to what you were told. 249. Make the same mistake twice. 250. Pee in the swimming pool. 251. Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in. 252. Put salt in the sugar containers. 253. Wear large hats during the movies. 254. Wear golf shoes on newly polished wooden floors. 255. Chew ice cubes. 256. leave wire hangers on the closet floor. 257. Always have an ulterior motive. 258. Push the panic button every other day. 259. Take the biggest piece. 260. Change your mind. 261. Walk your pit bull without the leash. 262. Forget the pooper scooper. 263. Forget the punch line, but don't let that stop you from telling jokes. 264. Race the old woman for the last bus seat. 265. Bring 85 things to the dressing room. 266. Blame the victim. 267. Take cheap shots. 268. Comb your hair in the kitchen. 269. Take forever to find your word in Scrabble. 270. Smile a lot, it confuses people. 271. Leave the alarm on when he doesn't have to get up 272. Walk tall, carry a big stick, and use it. 273. Greet each new day with a growl. 274. Put your initials in wet concrete. 275. Crack the spines of good books. 276. Draw mustaches on posters. 277. Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back. 278. Dangle participles. 279. Whistle a happy tune - over and over. 280. Give out other people's unlisted phone numbers. 281. Take money from your kid's piggy bank. 282. Serve TV dinners, wine coolers and cherry Twinkies on Thanksgiving. 283. Do unto others as you would never have them do unto you. 284. Be vague. 285. Grab someone else's taxi. 286. Open the casket for one last look 287. Sneeze in a crowded elevator. 288. Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you 289. When others are in a hurry, take your time. 290. Don't shovel snow from your sidewalk 291. Please feed the animals, especially Crackerjacks. 292. Get into a heated argument about the weather 293. Chase ambulances. 294. Overstay your welcome. 295. Assign names to your body parts like "winkle." 296. Kick sand at the beach. 297. Serve fish with the head still on. 298. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus. 299. Hit below the belt 300. Bite your dentist's finger. 301. He who has the gold rules. 302. Pick your scabs. 303. Get up early and take your neighbor's newspaper 304. Point out mispronunciations. 305. Touch strangers. 306. Guilt trip. 307. Fog up the bathroom mirror. 308. Never finish what you start.